selfcare

I’m Alive

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Today, 25 April, was my birthday and it was a good day.

Even in the midst of what some would call a ‘challenging’ season of my life, I am determined to ensure that I enjoy every ounce of the positive moments of life that I can. So today I have taken the time to soak up the love shared in the many messages received in text messages, voice notes, song renditions, phone calls, social media posts, visits, the drive by (lol). As a natural giver, it has been a steep learning curve to just be still and enjoy being celebrated but today I have done just that. Thank you to all who have shared your sentiments today.

My heart is full of gratitude.

I am grateful for LIFE. 50+ years on the earth is a blessing considering I know so many of my peers who are no longer here with us.

From my own discovery of true self-love to being loved on, celebrated and appreciated by so many, I am grateful for LOVE.

I am grateful for HEALTH and STRENGTH. Yes I have improvements to make in this area but I’m grateful for that which I do possess.

From my ‘steady eddy’ few & faithful day 1’s to the many beautiful people who I’ve met and connected with in recent years, I am grateful for FRIENDS, old and new.

I am grateful for FAMILY. My beautiful, gorgeous, ever loving family – immediate and extended – words alone cannot describe the amount of love that I have for you all. Through our years of challenges we remain resolute in the love we have for one another.

Finally, last but not least, I am grateful to GOD for being the Master of my life. Today I started my day with the following song on repeat: I’m Alive by Rich Tolbert Jr – the words of which says, God knows the plans He has for me. He knows the thoughts He thinks towards me. And nothing is an accident. I’m alive because there’s more.

So as today comes to a close I rejoice in the fact that ‘I’m alive’!

There’s plenty more to come from this gyal here called Dawn Louise Morgan (nee Bucknor). Watch this space!

Seasons Of Life: Part One

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“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven”

Hey there everyone! It’s hard to believe that it’s been just over a year since my 50th birthday blog and despite my intentions to put ‘pen to paper’ or rather ‘finger to keyboard’ and write regularly, life ‘happened’ and I was well and truly derailed in pretty much every single area of my life – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I have never ever in my entire life felt as challenged as I have felt over the last year. I was functioning (still going to work, still looking after mom) and looked very well, so many people would not have recognised or realised what I was going through but I had unravelled on the inside and it was affecting some areas of my life on the outside.

To put some context to what I’m saying, let me explain a little.

Following on from the mention I made in my blog last year regarding my father’s ill health, his health declined pretty rapidly in the subsequent months and sadly he passed away in Oct 2018. Caring for dad in the last six months of his life was extremely challenging not only physically but more so mentally and emotionally. It took its toll on us all. Sidenote: Although it is a privilege to look after one’s parents, it is not without its own challenges. But that’s for another blog!

Anyway, given all that I had already experienced in the previous five years (since 2013), my father’s death was like the straw that broke the camel’s back. Up until that point I had been holding my life together and I had ‘coped’ with so many different levels of loss and/or life challenges… but this one hit hard. I had to be signed off work for four weeks (that’s a biggie for me as I’m never off sick!).

Summary of ‘life blows’ from 2013-2018

  • Told by ex husband that he wanted a divorce
  • Ex husband left the marital home
  • Death of ex father in law following an accident
  • Unexpected death of ex brother in law following an illness
  • My mother’s health declined (signs of a TIA)
  • My mother suffers a massive stroke (Subarachnoid haemorrhage) and spends 15 weeks in hospital
  • Mom returns home disabled requiring 24/7 care
  • Mom had a 2nd stroke in March 2017
  • Death of ex mother in law, ironically following a stroke
  • Divorce finalised  
  • Dad’s health began to decline (multiple hospital admissions, significant loss of independence)
  • My dad passed away

In addition to the effect of those things on me, they also directly affected my children, in ways that one would never have expected (but that’s for another blog). They also had their individual challenges. One of my sons experienced a relationship break up (engagement broken off) and the other son was unfairly dismissed from work and had two car accidents. My heartbeat (my daughter) shared that she was struggling with depression including suicidal thoughts.

I’m sharing all of this with you, not for you to feel sorry for me but to just get a flavour of the ‘life blows’ that I was experiencing. I know that I’m not the only one and I know that there are people experiencing far worse.

I have always considered myself to be a strong, resilient individual who copes well under pressure… However even I had a breaking point and around August 2018 I began to crumble and unravel on the inside. I stopped walking (my favourite exercise), I comfort ate and put on (more) weight, I was struggling with my workload at work after I returned from my time off. Even worse, was that I was hardly attending church so I felt even more disconnected and spiritually depleted. Looking back on that 8 month period of darkness I realise that I was ‘a mess’.

It’s ironic, yet apt, that I’m sharing this at the tail-end of Mental Health Awareness month because every single one of us has a breaking point or a point at which we begin to ‘not cope’… no one is exempt… and everyone’s reactions to that ‘point’ is different. Please check on your ‘strong’ friend… he/she may not really be okay.

Thankfully for me there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel and I can see it… I’m walking towards it and I will share that experience with you in my next blog post.

What a feeling!

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mixed-emotions-2

It’s just over two weeks since my fiftieth birthday. I’m still pinching myself at the thought of the number of my age. I actually find every excuse to mention my age. “It’s because I’m fifty” I responded to someone who complimented me on my dress at work yesterday! A totally ill suited answer, however, like I said, I’m finding any reason to mention my age. I’ll probably get bored of it soon, but for now I’m basking in the high that I feel from reaching this milestone year. Please read my last (first) blog post ‘Gratitude’, if you haven’t done so already, to understand what I’m talking about.

Anyway, this brings me onto what I really wanted to share with you today.

I was watching the insta-story of one of my favourite bloggers Ty Alexander-Williams @gorgeousingrey on Instagram or www.gorgeousingrey.com and she used the word ‘Multi-emotional’… Is that even a word? But as she was talking about her feelings on the day of remembering her Angel mom in heaven and celebrating her current wins in life, I instinctively knew what she was trying to express and resonated with that feeling. You see, at the moment, as well as having this new lease of life and excitement for the future, I also have other things happening in my life that are a complete contrast to all the positives.

Multi = many : multiple : much, more than two, more than one
Emotional = having and expressing strong feelings

To put some context to what I’m trying to say, let me reveal a little of my life.

People who know me know that my mother suffered a stroke almost two years ago. She had a massive bleed to the brain, spent months in hospital and has gone from being an active, sociable, ‘never in the house’, ‘always helping others’ mommy to one who is unable to walk or stand, unable to sit unaided, incontinent, lost all use of her left side, limited ability on her right side, has seizures, has short term memory challenges, aphasia and is generally a shadow of her former self. As a family we have been caring for her at home 24/7. She has improved in some areas over the course of the last 20 months but in general she is still completely dependant on all of us. During this same time period, our father’s health has declined severely. Bear in mind, he already had health concerns in the form of: high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, heart disease, kidney problems and he has a GIST. Unfortunately, the impact of Mom’s sudden ill health really ‘knocked him for six’ emotionally which manifested itself in this severe decline in his physical health. Honestly if I was to write about life for us as a family now, it would be another blog post all by itself. Actually I will do so one day, as I believe that there is a lot that I can share about meandering ones way through this season of life i.e. Looking after elderly or ill parents. 

So… the day before my fiftieth birthday (there I go again!) my dad was discharged from hospital after being in for two and half weeks. The day after my birthday, my mum was admitted into hospital and remained there for four of five days. As I write this post, my dad is in hospital again. I won’t bore you all with the reasons why they were admitted, but I will say that I’ve given up worrying about it. Unless God chooses to miraculously heal them, then ‘it is what it is’. I do not want them to suffer with ill health to this extreme for too long and due to the severity of what we have experienced in these last few hospital admissions, we, as a family, are being led to really think about life without them being around.

As you can imagine, if I were to dwell on the reality of this part of my life I would be quite depressed. Yes, I’ve had my moments where I’ve had a mini loss of composure but for the most part, I’m being strategic in how I handle this current season. After all, if I don’t look after myself and my own wellbeing then who will?

I have put some things into place, practically, in order to keep my sanity and to stay well balanced.

* At work, I pleaded until I got my own way, for an assistant to help me with my workload.

* On the home front, I have ensured that I regularly get some time away from looking after my parents to just ‘be’; whether that be spending time with my (grown up) children at home, or going out with friends or just chill-axing or working on my hobbies or better still resting! Rest aids recovery.

* At church I keep in contact with my leadership so as to ensure that I have their spiritual support and I pace myself with the things that I am involved in.

This is just a season, it will pass and life will then take another turn in the road.

So in conclusion, I agree with my friend Ty; It is absolutely possible to be multi-emotional (still not sure if that’s a word).

And no, you’re not going mad when you flit between two extreme emotional states, whether that is on day to day basis or in the course of one day. However, it is much better to be self aware of what you’re experiencing and to make a choice to face the issues, deal with them or manage them so that you can be more evenly balanced as a human being.

It’s what we choose to focus on which determines how we get through the season that we’re in. I have chosen to focus on all of the positives in my life: I am in employment so I can earn money to keep a roof over my head, I have hands and feet to use to get around even when I have no car, I have talents and skills to use, I have children & grandchildren who keep me young and give me joy, I have good health and a sound mind, I have my parents still here even in their failing health. I have so much to be grateful for.

And I have made moves to manage the challenges so that they don’t overwhelm me.

It is this disposition and self management which I believe keeps me smiling genuinely from the inside out.

I love you all and pray that you too can find a way to smile again!